Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from hell

So today has been horrible.

I woke up early today especially to clean out my little conservatory, which has been full of ‘stuff’ for about two years now. Time had come to throw everything out and start making a little room. I woke, had a bath, poured some coffee and psyched myself up to a day of sorting.

Everyone knows cleaning and tiding is much easier with music so I put on one of my all time favourite albdownloadums, ‘The Best of Bowie’  and got started.

Hoover at the ready I was ready to get started. It’s a good job the Hoover was ready because as soon as I walked into the room I’d almost jumped back out again. GIANT SPIDER!

If anyone reading this has a problem with killing spiders I suggest you don’t read any further. This is my account of a spider holocaust.


That first spider was quick to disappear up the business end of a vacuum pipe. Just as ‘Suffragette City’ started and I was ready to continue. There was, shall we say, a few boxes to be emptied and disposed of. So I picked up the first box and put it to one side. But, wait, do I look? What’s that in the corner of my eye. ANOTHER GIANT SPIDER…IMG_5591.JPG

Well, at this point I was not very happy. But two spiders down and I’ve started so I’ll finish.

‘Rebel Rebel’ -More boxes to be moved. Oh God TWO MORE GIANT SPIDERS. OK that’s four now, this is getting ridiculous and by the time number five turned up I had started to think and devise new and more interesting ways to kill them. Out came the can of deodorant and the lighter and the bottle of spray bleach.


  • Spiders 5,6,7 were dispatched with fire
  • 8,9 were squashed with a can of paintIMG_5592.JPG
  • 10,11,12,13 were sprayed with foaming bleach and Hoovered away
  • 14,15 a can of Brut deodorant and another lighter.





  • 16, 16 was a little tricky. Firstly he was the fastest of all the previous secondly he was packing heat



By the time I had dispatched all six-f**king-teen spiders the first CD of the Bowie album had finished. I didn’t bother with the second disc. Instead I needed more coffee and a couple of cigarettes, my nerves were shot. I had just waged a one man war on an entire army of eight legged freaks.

My supply of milk and cigarettes was ruining low, a perfect chance to get out of the house and go to my local shop. But I’d been at war for so long I’d forgotten what the outside was like. The air was fresh, the sun was out. None of that mattered because however beautiful the sky may have been I kept checking the corner of my vision. At some point I knew that I had to face the end of level boss spider. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon… and it may end my life.  Several times I have gone to lay down for a nap, but I can not see me getting much sleep after the horrors of this afternoon and the one thing playing on my mind is next weeks episode of Doctor Who. You know the one where they made a giant spider the monster. Oh how I’m looking forward to that one…


Just check out this link to the next weeks trailer and think about the nightmares that spider thing is going to cause.

Doctor Who-Kill The Moon-Trailer

16 Giant Spiders… In one day… No sleep for me tonight…










30 thoughts on “Ziggy Stardust and the spiders from hell

  1. sounds like something my personal hell would look like… I absolutely despise spiders… Argos bible is usually my method of flattening them, although I have tried the dodorant version… after which the whole hall stank like a transvestite-bar…

    1. LMFAO “transvestite-bar…” because nothing says transvestite-bar quite like burning deodorant.
      It was my personal hell also. I hate them, hate them. And not one of them was normal sized. Every single one of them had tattoos and possibly knifes.

  2. Spiders communicate via chemical scent trails. When one dies, they alert all the other ones in the room to danger. Depending on the species, they will either begin procreating madly to produce enough offspring to survive the next bout of carnage or they will wait until dark and see if they can inject any venom into the problem.

    Your photos of Wolf Spiders are definitely of the latter variety.

    (Just kidding, but it serves you right to cower, big meanie.)

    1. I’m not going to bed tonight. I’ve just killed two in the living room. I’m sitting here, relaxing, and one runs out from under the sofa. SMASH, thank you for running near a shoe. As I bend down to clear it up there’s another one standing there, watching. That’s 18 today. 18!!! One more and the house is burning down.

      1. I hate mice. Luckily I have none here. On PEI, living in the country, we had tons of them………. and other nasty things. I was so glad to get off that Island …….

      2. I used to live in an old pub that had a lot of mice. I became an expert in dispatching them as well. Still creeps me out. If you’ve ever heard one scream… *shudder

  3. What is with the spiders this week? This is the third blog to mention crazy arachnids. Now I’m kind of afraid of what I may find around here.

    Awesome album, all things Bowie are great indeed.

    1. I’ve been reading some horror stories about this. Something to do with a warm summer and an abundance of food sources for them. Allowing them to grow bigger, invade my home and prevent me getting any sleep tonight.

      1. Wear earplugs…I’ve seen too many episodes of “Stories from the ER” to know how that may turn out.

        (TOTALLY KIDDING! Please don’t throw a spider at me!)

      2. You want I can send you the same pictures I send to everyone else who freaks out over spiders (no, I won’t, but I have been kind of evil about that recently!)

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