So today has been horrible.
I woke up early today especially to clean out my little conservatory, which has been full of ‘stuff’ for about two years now. Time had come to throw everything out and start making a little room. I woke, had a bath, poured some coffee and psyched myself up to a day of sorting.
Everyone knows cleaning and tiding is much easier with music so I put on one of my all time favourite albums, ‘The Best of Bowie’ and got started.
Hoover at the ready I was ready to get started. It’s a good job the Hoover was ready because as soon as I walked into the room I’d almost jumped back out again. GIANT SPIDER!
If anyone reading this has a problem with killing spiders I suggest you don’t read any further. This is my account of a spider holocaust.
That first spider was quick to disappear up the business end of a vacuum pipe. Just as ‘Suffragette City’ started and I was ready to continue. There was, shall we say, a few boxes to be emptied and disposed of. So I picked up the first box and put it to one side. But, wait, do I look? What’s that in the corner of my eye. ANOTHER GIANT SPIDER…
Well, at this point I was not very happy. But two spiders down and I’ve started so I’ll finish.
‘Rebel Rebel’ -More boxes to be moved. Oh God TWO MORE GIANT SPIDERS. OK that’s four now, this is getting ridiculous and by the time number five turned up I had started to think and devise new and more interesting ways to kill them. Out came the can of deodorant and the lighter and the bottle of spray bleach.
- Spiders 5,6,7 were dispatched with fire
- 8,9 were squashed with a can of paint
- 10,11,12,13 were sprayed with foaming bleach and Hoovered away
- 14,15 a can of Brut deodorant and another lighter.
- 16, 16 was a little tricky. Firstly he was the fastest of all the previous secondly he was packing heat
By the time I had dispatched all six-f**king-teen spiders the first CD of the Bowie album had finished. I didn’t bother with the second disc. Instead I needed more coffee and a couple of cigarettes, my nerves were shot. I had just waged a one man war on an entire army of eight legged freaks.
My supply of milk and cigarettes was ruining low, a perfect chance to get out of the house and go to my local shop. But I’d been at war for so long I’d forgotten what the outside was like. The air was fresh, the sun was out. None of that mattered because however beautiful the sky may have been I kept checking the corner of my vision. At some point I knew that I had to face the end of level boss spider. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon… and it may end my life. Several times I have gone to lay down for a nap, but I can not see me getting much sleep after the horrors of this afternoon and the one thing playing on my mind is next weeks episode of Doctor Who. You know the one where they made a giant spider the monster. Oh how I’m looking forward to that one…
Just check out this link to the next weeks trailer and think about the nightmares that spider thing is going to cause.
16 Giant Spiders… In one day… No sleep for me tonight…