Years of never saying goodbye.

It’s what I do. I don’t like endings…

I don’t like endings is what I’d like to think my philosophy is but I know it hurts people more if I just disappear in to the background as if I just wasn’t bothered. After a couple of weeks purposely spending time away from human interactions I have started to think about why I don’t have time for people.

Because people are terrible sometimes. 

It sounds terrible I know, but really even your closest friends can really tick you off. This all comes off the back of this weekend, the final straw weekend. It all starts with a woman, because all good stories men tell start with a woman. Well, this is why I’ve just had enough and why my behaviour for the last few months was proved to be practically perfect in every way.

A while ago I started getting close to someone, the kind of close where you question yourself as to why you aren’t a couple. A woman, previously referred to as ‘The Woman’ in a Sherlock inspired naming moment. For the first time since the last break up I had found someone who interested me on various different levels. A lovely woman, a kind woman, a caring woman and a very attractive woman. On the surface she has everything but this includes a past…

When I say ‘a past’ and leave it with those three dots (…) it automatically sounds worse than what it is. She’s not a criminal or a serial killer, she’s not a terrible person or a cannibal but she has been hurt before. Not by me I am quick to add.

The things men do. Bastards, but without generalising an entire gender of which I am part of; ‘The Things People Do’. Why should I have to deal with problems left by other people? I shouldn’t and the thing is, I DON’T. I’ve had plenty of friendships and relationships that have broken down because of one thing or another. Now I have grown weary of close human interaction. The problem this weekend with the particular woman involved was that she had gotten drunk and therefore turned into a f**king idiot. I point blank refuse to deal with that. Some people say you should excuse drunk behaviour but I have been drinking enough and for long enough to realise that actually you should never forgive drunk behaviour. It honestly makes me want to quit drinking, but that I assure you will never happen.

People I have not said goodbye to…

I guess my first real experience would have been the guy who was my best friend for at least 8years. We had shared a house for at least 5yrs. The friendship came to an end when he basically owed me over a thousand pounds in rent and bills. But along with that his life was falling apart and he took that out on me. His girlfriend was ‘bored of him’ and they had basically nothing in common. He was convinced that she was cheating on him but in a turn of events he was constantly paranoid that it was me she would have been cheating with. Turns out she ‘probably’ was cheating. But in no way was I involved in that. So eight years of friendship ended with a text message that read “I want you to move out of my house”.

Around the few years surrounding the above I had another friendship end. This involved a jealous ex-girlfriend and another best mate. A girl who I had dated for a few months basically decided to ‘get at me’ by dating my best friend. I honestly didn’t really care but over the course of time and with words in his ear we drifted apart. The funny thing was they based a 7yr relationship on her trying to p*ss me off. I admit I laughed.

My last girlfriend. A proper serious grown up relationship with kids and everything. 18months of mistrust for no reason other than she had an ex-husband who had cheated on her. No matter what I did, no matter what I said she had an iceberg of mistrust floating dangerously on the surface. That all ended and I never said goodbye. I never said goodbye because she had allowed me to grow close with her kids and I would rather they, whilst still young and believe in fantastical things, believed that I had gone to travel with The Doctor (Doctor Who).

Recently another ex got in touch. She never said goodbye, giving me what I give other people. No closure. Thing with this one is that there really shouldn’t ever have been closure, or at least I think it should never have got to that point. She talked about wrong time wrong place. I told her to stop it. It may well have been the wrong time/place but why should I wait around for her to grow as a person. It’s hardly my fault I’m perfect already and it’s even less my fault that she was no where near. I ain’t waiting for that.

The only time I’ve actually said goodbye was recently when my Gran died. This time it was important to me to actually say it. I was the only one in the family that was allowed to spend time with her body after she had passed. I had planned to say an awful lot. But the one thing that summed everything up, the one thing that expressed every emotion I felt was the one thing I never say to anyone in any given situation. Goodbye. 

download (1)I don’t like endings. I do end friendships, I do end relationships but I don’t like endings. I never say goodbye.

 I always leave a door open I just never invite anyone through. 

So at the end of this post… after talking about not liking endings… I bid you all adieu. Until next time my friends.

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5 thoughts on “Years of never saying goodbye.

  1. You truly seem like a well rounded, healthy person, Paul. I don’t know how many women are also well rounded and healthy or how many are not. People have different life experiences, sometimes through no fault of their own. If you don’t find someone who is as well rounded as you, I hope you find someone who you feel passionately enough about to grow with.

    About closure – sometimes closure is necessary for some people to be able to fly again. And that is an awesome gift to give and receive.

  2. People with pasts make me puke. Well, people who use their pasts as an excuse for being jerks now, anyway. I have no earth-shattering past, just a miserable, lonely marriage of 36 years to a man who was nice, but ……. and now, I run into somebody who doesn’t only have a past he has pasts plural and one past that won’t f’ing go away already. So what do I do? I can tell you, I’m not going to say good-bye either ……. but I don’t have time for other people’s leftovers.

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