I’ve just realised… about myself

A bold statement for me as I am more than happy to be judged anything other than. Normally I don’t really care for other peoples opinions about me. I normally have strong opinions about myself so I don’t necessarily need theirs.

But tonight, 18/11/14 (or 11/18/14 if you are so inclined) at roughly midnight I had a realisation about myself. First let’s break down the last few weeks. The time scale isn’t accurate but I’m naming them as weeks, for ease.

  • Week 1- Anger
  • Week 2- NO MORE
  • Week 3- Validation
  • Week 4- Realisation (week 4 begins now)

Week 1– I have had a rough few months leading up to this. Life has thrown quite a lot my way and I didn’t appreciate all of it. Or any of it. At the best of times I like being left alone, I enjoy my own company. I like when not working to be sitting with my feet up, relaxing. However the last few months opportunity to do this have been lacking.

images (1)I have dealt with things in the best possible way I can however it has taken it’s toll. I’m putting a lot of it ‘down to stress’ but instead of admitting stress I chose to be angry. Rightly so in a few cases. The time-frame I’m using for this post is not reflective of the actual time events occurred. If it were then  anger and stress would definitely dominate.

However- condensed- WEEK 1 =ANGER.

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Week 2– Week 2 was when I decided to pick myself up and not take any more of life’s continual s**t-storm.

“That’s all I can stands, cuz I can’t stands n’more!”Popeye

No more would I take peoples continued bulls**t. No more would I be the person questioning if I’ve done right or wrong. No more would I be tolerating. No more would I ‘just get over it’

This week had led me into find solace in quiet rooms. My phone has never been more ‘NOT IN USE’. This week also made me come across as more angry than usual, why? Because I was standdownload (2)ing up for myself, I was calling people on the bulls**t I normally just let pass.

Week 2 was a difficult week. Week 2 = NO MORE.

Week 3– In reality week 3 is actually based on one night and a good feeling. I felt validated. Everything I believed in myself to be true turned out to be true. Everything I think that I’m good at became apparent to other people without me having to remind them. images (2)

Validation is my new favourite feeling. It might not last, I’m sure that by next week I will have to be shouting from the roof tops ‘why I’m right’. I’m sure also that people will just think I’m an arrogant SOB, Forgetting totally the lessons they should have learnt in this week.

Week 3 was nice. Week 3 = Validation

Week 4– This is in no way a week. The events of week 4 happened no more than three hours before typing this, but, I am hoping that what I realised and what I’m feeling now will continue for a while yet.

Allow me to set the scene. A long laborious day at work, serving drunks and having time for nobody. Very few laughs but a bright shinning light that was closing time. Everybody leaves, the doors get locked, I sort out the cash (whilst watching Family Guy), I finish work. Taxi home called.

I’m in the taxi on the long road home when we hit the first traffic light. I spy one of my regular drinkers walking across a set of traffic lights, very slowly. In fact he had not gotten very far away from the pub in the hour it had taken me to close everything down and lock up. There was a couple of fenced of holes in the pavement where my regular was walking. Whilst still sitting at the lights I watch him walk past one and then two holes in the ground. He was stumbling around approaching the third. Then without warning or indication, he was gone. “OH S**T”. He’s fallen down the hole!

The taxi driver looked over but saw nothing, he heard the panic in my voice as I asked him to pull over and told him why. We both got out of the car and ran over to the other side of the road. “I can’t see him” I said as I stared down a deep black hole in the pavement. Wrong hole. “Oh it’s the other one”.

Ten minute story short, we fished him out of the hole. Got his stuff together, a bag, a wallet and bizarrely a shoe that had come unlaced, and put him in my taxi. We dropped him off home and I walked him to his door.

But this section started with a realisation. What was it? I hear nobody ask. I realised something which no one can tell me, something I needed to tell myself.

‘I AM A FUCKING NICE GUY”

Damn right, everything I do, everything I am. I am one of the good ones. Looking back over the last few weeks HOW DARE anyone have made me feel any different and I am a f**king idiot for allowing myself to be walked over and not seeing this in myself before.

Moving forward- There will be no more, NO MORE. I will conduct myself in a way where I will simply accept when people offer respect and I will not tolerate anyone who doesn’t.
I will not allow myself to be in a position where I get angry. Positions can be switched with a little bit of presence of mind and perspective.
I am telling myself now and believing it that I’m a good guy. Hell tonight I just embodied Michael Landon’s ghost from Highway to Heaven. I was Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap. I was The Doctor from Doctor Who. I was in the right place at the right time to be the person I needed to see myself being.

“Hey, I’m Paul. I was here to help and you are very, very welcome.”

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7 thoughts on “I’ve just realised… about myself

  1. I don’t know if I’ve left this comment already ….. one is getting a tad senile I think. Anyway, when next I fall down a hole, I would love to have you fish me out of it. Your, Mr. Polly, are a gentleman.

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