As I sit with only one full day left of 2014 (and the rest of today) I have decided to look back over my year to see if I have learnt anything. As it turns out I am struggling to remember anything that has happened in the last week let alone the last year. This I put down to today being only my second day off work in around a month and my brain therefore refusing to function for more than eating and toilet trips.
Fortunately Facebook is on hand to remind me. Join me now as I look back at my Timeline over the past 12 months.
For me January began at midnight. Last year I DJ’d New Years Eve. I remember getting a conga line going at midnight and I remember feeling immensely proud of myself for doing so. But alas, alcohol was involved and within an hour of the celebrations we had a spot of ‘trouble’. The DJ, me, then turned into the Doorman…
Facebook Status- “And you my friend will be my first throw out of 2014. I’m thinking your manner of exit will be similar to jazzy Jeff at uncle Phil’s.”
A week into January 2014 I must have felt a little nostalgic as I remember finding my school leavers diary. My friends at the time wrote their little ‘good luck in life’ messages and most of us went our separate ways. The first page of my ‘end of school’ diary contained a picture my mother took from my very first day at high school. This picture became my profile picture for a while.
By January 7th the profile picture of my younger self and the obvious years my facial hair had endured led me to this status:
“An interesting duality happened whist shopping for clothes today.
1) I’m old enough to wear a flat cap and get away with it
2) I got very excited about an adult size Spider-Man onsey.
After all there’s no point in being a grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.”
This status led to a friend commenting “U should combine the 2 for a strong spring/summer look mate“- a fabulous idea.
- “I remember fondly the days, only a couple of years ago, when Sunday nights would be spent getting drunk, when manscaping involved a quick trim with a Remington. Now Sundays are spent by spending an hour in the bath shaving everything above the neck and looking forward to an early night.
Still, at least I don’t have to pay for hair cuts anymore.”
- “My favourite thing about Sunday is being awake for just two hours before you decide to have an afternoon nap”
Sitting in bed eating ice cream thinking of new flavours of ice cream to invent whilst watching dispicable me.
I discovered this “332393”… Type those numbers on to you mobile and the tones sound like the Power Rangers theme. BLEW.MY.MIND!
And I had a few nights out…
And a couple of nights in…
February started well…
“Well, I don’t know what you’re doing but I’m having a fucking fantastic night”
“Fuck you pyjamas and your damned difficult leg insertion technology”
“Walking against the wind, what a great Monday morning metaphor for this week is gonna be shit.”
“Here we go again. I would be quite happy crawling back into bed right now.”
“Drinking tea at 11pm goes against everything I believe in for a Saturday night.”
“But then you start by playing the Shaft theme and suddenly everything is OK”
Valentines day fast approached -“Does Moonpig do a two day delivery service?
If I can’t even organise a Valentines card for myself in time I may as well give up now.”
“Does Moonpig do a two day delivery service?
If I can’t even organise a Valentines card for myself in time I may as well give up now.”
“Remember the image of Valentines day is a small naked toddler with wings. So with every card you send you are supporting a paedophile.”
“Roses are red, Violets are blue.
I’m using my hand
but thinking of you.”
“Feeling a bit groovy and I haven’t even started on the wine yet”
“I already know that wine and vodka isn’t a good idea and I’ve only had a sip.”
I enjoyed Valentines Day in 2014.
“Sometimes you forget how long it’s been since you last had beans on toast” -I’ve had beans on toast twice this year.
“Just spent an hour and a half selling dashes of Pepsi with ice to an old man who thinks he’s on the vodka. Can this day get any better?” -And not one f**k was given.
By the 28th I was fully in work mode:
“My friend, whilst you may have left your house today with the goal of making new friends I left the house today with the simple intent of going to work. I do not want to be your friend, buddy, pal or anything other than the poor trapped cunt that has to serve you. Please stop talking to me.
I’m not your friend.”
“Currently can not sit in a straight line”
I think perhaps I ended February with a drink or two. My inner rebel wanted to come out and play.
“Wishing for the zombie apocalypse just to give me something to do”
“When your answer to “what you been up to?”
Is “this and that”.
You ain’t got nothing going on.”
“The ‘FUCK IT’ decision. However much of an epic idea, always ends in regret.”
“Steak & Blow Job day… more like a sandwich and tearful self service day.”
“The small addition of bacon makes any healthy meal OK”
I became a Godfather…
“Two weeks of healthy eating has caused me to break today and order a pizza so big that the only option is to strip off and jump right in.”
April- “Pondering the big questions in life. Such as, could this beard be any more beardy?”
May- “3 and a tiny bit months away from 33 and a filter coffee machine is the best thing I’ve ever brought.”
“Getting home drunk with only ten minutes left on babestation… Challenge accepted!”
“Just said ‘have a good day mate’ to someone leaving the pub. I was surprised at the level of just how much I didn’t mean it. And I was really trying to be genuine.”
“Just spent 5mins extra crouching whilst I worked out the appropriate level of groan standing up would require.”
“Well I just met the Nobel prize committees photographer. Nobel prize for bar tending goes to…. Hell yes it’s me!”
June- “There is no Paul only Zuul”
“Oh my god, chocolate sauce for steak!!! How have I never done this before.”
Sue- “you seem chirpy today”
Me- “I got some new shower gel and I feel cocky”
“As I find myself watching Glastonbury 2000 footage I think, ‘these kids don’t know shit nowadays’. That was how you did it.”
“Add distinction to a walk home by carrying a violin case.”
June was hot for about two weeks:
“Dear hairless man,
It’s 13:20 in the afternoon and although the sun is out and it may seem like life threatening heat at the moment, jogging bottoms and a flag does not qualify as clothing. Please go home and put a Tshirt or at least a vest on.
Regards, ‘hot but have to work’ Britain.”
July- “Take your hands off my popcorn you damned dirty ape!”
“Planet of the apes:- awesome film and just when you think ‘this is a long film’ it’s all like ‘yeahhh, monkey fight’.”
“Ever wonder when you last made a noise like a chicken? Seriously, it’s been so long.”
August- “When you see a Walter White hat you have to buy it”
“Had to explain to somebody today that what actually comes out of my mouth is filtered and normally toned down in comparison to what the original thoughts were. Some people just don’t know how lucky they are.”
September- “By the 5th gigantic spider you start to think of new inventive ways to kills them. “
“Goodnight nan. Mom once again you have proved you are the strongest woman I will ever have the good luck to know. Love you.”
October- “If Peter Andre really loved his kids he’d buy them fruit and salad not fucking chicken nuggets from Iceland.”
“How can I cheer you up buddy?”
“Oh don’t be like that, come on cheer up”
“No mate, you could cheer me up by fucking off”
“When’s happy hour mate?”
“Between 11pm and midnight”
“Cool, what time do you close”
“You’re just one of them lifelong miserable Cunts though mate but at least you’re consistent”
My mate Rob
17th October 2014
November- “When I started wallpapering this afternoon I was a little worried as I’ve never done it before. Only now do I look back and think that was stupid. ‘Of course you can do it! You have a moustache’!”
“Shoes off, fire on, feet up and a glass of something fizzy… Should have been that kinda person years ago. It’s fucking great”
“When you’re in a taxi and you’re driving down the Hagley road and you spy a customer falling down a man hole. Yes it’s hilarious but I still stopped to help, fucking nice I am.”
December- “Fun pub game with a packet of ‘love hearts’- who can say the little message on the love heart sweet in the most sexually aggressive way.”
Not much has happened, that I can remember in December. I have worked entirely too much. This is actually fine with me as my job was quite at risk only a few weeks ago.
I’m glad that I have still managed to update Facebook over the last year as their have been some great highlights, not all of which have made it in to this post.
Some of the year has been fantastic whilst some of the year has been quite difficult and at times hard to manage. But I have made it through to the end and will emerge in 2015 as a much stronger person who knows himself ever so slightly better.
This was the year I discovered my love for WordPress and for expression. To those of you who have follwed me and communicated this past year I say thank you. I am very glad to have ‘virtually’ met you and I’m looking forward to ‘chatting’ in the new year.
All the best everyone. Enjoy the ride.