OK, I will fully admit that I never follow this cartoon rabbits little rule. I frequently say things that aren’t nice, sometimes I just can’t help myself. You see the thing is, the truth often isn’t nice!
And people don’t like being told the truth.
This last couple of weeks however have forced me into a place where I am constantly trying compose myself.
Life is always one ‘thing’ after another. These ‘things’, these life events can be a mixture of good and/or bad (sometimes mediocre) and we deal with each one with varying degrees of success and composure.
Since September last year I have noticed these ‘things’ have been not to good and have been flowing rather rapidly. Towards Christmas I had started finding the stream of crap life was throwing at me rather tiresome, I decided then that I was not going to be standing for this any longer.
“NO MORE” became my mantra and composure became my goal.
I a few weeks ago got a tattoo that for me represented this composure. From the show Supernatural it is call the ‘Mark of Cain’- To sum it up, the bearer of the ‘Mark’ could be a ruthless killing machine but somehow finds a way not to ‘turn to the Darkside’ like poor Anakin Skywalker.
I’m glad I got it when I did, it has become a constant reminder to me to stay in control of my temper, a temper which I know can be vile and a temper which has been pushed to it’s very limits in the past weeks.
There has been threats, fallouts with friends, couples dragging me into their breakups, long work hours and a massive lack of sleep.
Lets take the threats first. Goodness from Monday this week they haven’t stopped.
The first, a customer, an addict and a massive bell-end. Without quoting any of his abuse he had argued with his equally drugged up girlfriend and decided in lieu of hitting out on her he would target me behind the bar.
Threats from biting my face off to stabbing me with broken glass, using every member of his scummy family to try and intimidate me to telling me he was coming back at closing time to bury me!
I cleaned up the pub and cashed up real quick that night. I was eager to see if this guy would come back and make good on his threats. Because in sixteen years of this job nobody ever has. All of this happened at three in the afternoon, if he had have come back or waited outside for nine hours I would have given him a free shot. But alas, just as everyone else I have dealt with in life he was all talk.
Half an hour of abuse and threats on a Monday afternoon at work is not any ones idea of a nice day. Somehow I managed not to react, to internalise every shout that was about to come out of my mouth and by routing my legs to the bar so’s that I was not tempted to jump said bar and land a few deserved punches.
By this time we are approaching early evening. ‘Things should calm down now’ I thought to myself.
Oh did I mention I haven’t had a cigarette for 7days because that’s kind of important in the whole stress handling.
Early evening didn’t go well at all.
There is a couple I know very well. A couple that should have broken up years ago. The male part of that couple has slowly but surely over the last couple of years has lost all of my respect.
So of course now I get this thing happening…
Him: You’re a c*nt
Me: I’m sorry what?
The essence of him calling me that is that he is an alcoholic and a mentally abusive partner to his long term girlfriend. A woman who I have been good friends with since we lived in a house share 12yrs ago. Without giving out details of why I have lost time for the guy let it be known that I have. As far as my image of ‘being a man’ goes he is not one. So when the partner of this non-man asks for help and just a coffee day and someone to talk to I was there. Therefore in his mind I am ‘a c*nt’.
And then the threats from him started. No more than an hour after the drugged up A-hole.
As I was just sitting down consumed with rage, another ‘situation’ in the pub. Between a good, regular, nice customer and a complete douchbag that nobody likes.
Before I know it I’m chasing after the pair of them, out of the door to have a very manly fight in the car park over the road.
Now however much I could have done with watching this fight I did not want my pub or my good customer to be a part of it. So I raised my voice slightly and dragged him back indoors with the slowly growing crowd that had followed me out.
“RIGHT, EVERYONE INSIDE I’LL HANDLE THIS!”
Typing it now I have a big smile on my face, because word for word that is what I shouted.
For what felt like the first time in my life everybody listened. I think most of them knew that I was at breaking point after the day I had had.
Everybody except the guy that was NOT getting back into the pub. The guy that started the entire situation. No, that guy can f*ck right off.
So that’s what I told him to do. Well the statement started out as take a walk, but it clearly didn’t have the impact that it needed. So I got a bit shouty!
This one day summed up my existence for the last couple of weeks. One fight after another. One A-hole to deal with straight after the A-hole you just dealt with.
I hope you will accept this as my apology for lack of WordPress attention. I have read very little and written even less.
But “If you have nothing nice to write about then don’t write anything at all”.
That’s what I thought but It’s more like an angry mind causes brain freeze and writers block. Because it’s taken two days off relaxing to remember what my secret is.
I’m just glad I can keep the rage monster inside and project the very image of calm, a smoke free image of calm!
Hopefully I can spend a little more time inside WordPress this week. Fingers crossed.