Things you have to say in a bar but really don’t

In certain situations in bars the bartender will hear the same thing over and over again. And is quite sick of it.

The first customers through the doors:
– “rushed off your feet today aren’t you?”
-“busy in here ain’t it?”
-“oh, I had to fight my way to the bar it’s so busy”

A bartender/waiter drops a glass:
– loud cheers combined with “sack the juggler!”

That’s £/$/€ please:
“How much?”
“I didn’t want to buy the place!”

“Can you turn the music down a bit please?”
“Can you turn the music up please?”

There are twenty empty, clean, tables but one that needs cleaning.
“Excuse me can someone come and clean my table please?”

When asking if a customer wants ice in their drink:
“Oh, no thanks, it’s cold enough”
“Just one cube please”

Maybe it’s a busy night, maybe it’s not but at some point there will be:
-“I’ve been waiting here for 20 minutes”

All of these situations, and many more, can be answered with one of my favourite bar tending phrases- “fuck off”- but alas you aren’t generally allowed to say it. Because:
-“the customer is always right”

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5 thoughts on “Things you have to say in a bar but really don’t

  1. I don’t know if you like Mrs Brown’s Boys but the she uses the words “dat’s niiiice” when she really means fuck off. I use it all the time now.

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