I have always prided myself on ‘knowing’ who I am. Not my name of course I’ve known that for many years now.
You look at some people and you just think, ‘wow, that person knows who they are’ or ‘what a well rounded individual that person is’.
I’ve always hoped that people look at me in that way. I have, on many occasions, described how ‘in touch’ with myself I am. Every since I was a child I have known what I have ‘stood’ for and what principles I hold dear.
I’m questioning my self awareness right now. Mainly because I was struggling to think of something to write.
I looked back to what I consider to be one a my favourite posts- the first one to get me noticed. It was a post titled Who Am I. I found it really therapeutic to write about myself, I remember at the time of writing it I had set myself up a desk with an ash tray and a cup of coffee to one side. It was probably the first time ever I’d sat in a reasonable mood on a free afternoon and picked out certain aspects of my life that I’d be happy sharing with strangers. I enjoyed it. I’ve even looked back and updated the original as if I was using that first post as a benchmark for any attempt to describe myself – “Who Am I-A lazy update”
So today I thought I would update that post yet again as a few changes have occurred in my life. Now whether it is because I’m extremely tired today or I have some kind of mental blockage I am finding it difficult to update. I’m questioning if I actually know myself or what is ones ‘self’.
Am I the sum of my likes and experiences or is there more to me? More that perhaps even I haven’t discovered yet.
I started the original post of discover with-
“I am I…
I’ll be honest I don’t know what that means. I’d like to think I know myself very well, I guess I’m just not that good at expressing it.”
The first time I wrote the ‘Who Am I” post it was a few weeks before my 33rd birthday, maybe this ‘self’ questioning is something I do once a year just before my birthday as I’m currently only a few weeks away from my 34th birthday.
- I am in a relationship that is surprising in the most fantastic ways
- I still enjoy being left alone at times
- I am very good at my job and
enjoyit, I’m happywith it, I enjoy the company of people I work with, OK, I tolerate my current job.
- I don’t ever have the time to do things like cinema trips
- Things still really annoy me but I’m on my way to inventing a new religion to help me cope
- On the whole people still think I’m a moody fella
- On the whole people still think I’m a funny, happy go lucky fella
The first surprise was that I ended up in a relationship. I had been staunchly single for two years, with no desire to meet up with anyone to hook up with anyone or waste my time with anyone. This more than likely stems from past relationship issues that had left me massively happy to be alone. From the relationship based on sex to the relationship based on me being a replacement husband and father, none of them has ever worked out.
The last major relationship was at the start of my thirties. With a woman I had known since we were 18. A thoroughly nice woman, a brilliant mother… Who had her issues. She was a divorcee who had not quite come to terms with herself as a single person entering a new relationship. I was, and happily so for nearly two years, just a replacement husband. Not giving us the time to grow as a new couple. Her youngest child, a boy was potty trained by me, became the biggest Doctor Who fan in the world, was my best mate. Why was a 3yr old my best mate? Because we had the very awkward “are you my daddy” question from him. I explained that no, I was his best friend. That’s what really broke me about our separation, for her I think it was what she needed but for me, well, I’d lost my newest best mate.
For two years after that one I’d sworn off dating all together. I just wasn’t interested, well there was this one girl- but that never went anywhere.
Here I am now, in a relationship with none of the previous hang ups. I DID NOT EXPECT THAT.
The second major surprise in my new relationship is that for once in my life I wanted more. I decided some time ago that my penis can wait. Sorry mate but there are more important things to look for this time.
We spent a massive amount of time together before anything sexual happened. Now maybe she wanted to move things a little faster in that department but I’d explained my ideas behind taking things slow.
It seems to have worked because…
Biggest surprise– no one has ever used a certain word when introducing me to family or friends.
“This is my partner, Paul”
Partner, I feel like Batman after he trained Robin, like butter when it found bread. I have a partner! Wow, this is a different feeling.
What a surprise.
I still like being left alone
As I type this I am at work, trying very hard to ignore a guy who can barely talk trying to hold a conversation with me. The barman is a truly trapped animal!
I really enjoy time where I can just sit by myself, enjoying silence or a nice piece of classical music or a good movie. Time where I don’t have to engage with other human beings.
It happens so rarely.
And as one ‘talker’ leaves another guy picks up his torch and carries on boring the life out of me. One more conversation about rain and I may well drown a customer today!
But I am good at my job
You may question how after reading my splurge about customers talking to me. The thing is I have trained my face not to show any signs of boredom or in some cases sheer hatred.
(A note to the guy sitting opposite who recognises and feels my pain, I salute you sir)
I am in the process at the moment of applying for a few jobs, just to get me out of the one I have at the moment. I think it’s the right time and I cannot keep my skills contained in one place, I deserved to be shared.
Oh I didn’t get the toyshop job. Unfortunately I had applied to late and there was over 100 applicants. Still it was a nice day dream while it lasted.
A New Way Of Thinking
I’m trying to work out how to start a religion. My religion won’t be named after me, it won’t take attendance and hopefully won’t create any extreme views.
I now follow the religion and teachings of Apathy…
I say follow. I would but, well, I just can’t be bothered.
I say teachings. There is nothing written yet, there is no sacred text… I can’t be bothered writing it yet.
The only thing I do know for certain is that instead of putting your hands together in prayer you simple shrug you shoulders a little- but don’t put to much effort into that movement.
There’s two types of people in this world
I fall into both categories, it really depends on who you ask. My simple explanation of this:-
“If you think I’m always moody then ask why I’m always moody around you”
There are many people who I don’t even bother with a fake smile for, look I’m not the sort of person that smiles all the time, my face just wasn’t made that way.
Perversely the other camp think I’m quite ‘happy go lucky’. Well to those people I must say, “I guess I can tolerate you. Well done”.
Coming to the end of this post I’ve still no idea if I actually know who I am, or who I’m becoming. Maybe this is a question best saved for a coffee and ash tray day.
For now I’m off to try and not jump from the highest point in the bar. Or call for an emergency delivery of earplugs!
Damn it Al, why haven’t I leaped yet?!?