2015 According to Facebook

Made 25 new friends
Checked in at 4 places
Top photos

I’ve had lamb delivered. I’ve had chicken delivered. Next weeks she’s doing me salmon. And I’m considering marriage.’
Remember yesterday when a customer told you to smile… And I really tried.
“Just walk out like this but all serious, like I don’t even know I’m wearing them. Wha, what, what you looking at? Do I have something on my face? I’m just wearing my regular glasses.”
This is my tin foil hat selfie to stop Facebook scanning my brain whilst using my laptop. Facebook can scan your thoughts through your laptop screen and then sell any information they find to terrorists who hack your Amazon account and purchase a silly number of teaspoons. Tell everyone you know to stop these cutlery terrorists.
And then to end the year I made good on what I said on the chicken picture. I proposed marriage… she said yes!

Status wise the last couple of months have been very, very Star Wars related. The whole build up, the release and then the waiting for others to see it so we can talk about it has really made this Christmas the one I was looking for. They may as well have call it ‘Star Wars- The Child Awakens’.
One of the best things was seeing fathers take their children in full costume to watch the film. I myself took my girlfriends younger brother and we had the best time you could imagine. By the time he turns 16 this chapter of the Star Wars saga will be over and I will have a proper BBF for life. CWlt_IoWIAACh_T.jpg

To sum up December for me the following Facebook post-

“From clocks to socks it’s been a very Star Wars Christmas.
May the Christmas force be with you.”

November for me is all about the moustache. The whole meaning of Movember was summed up in one post from me I feel.

It’s ‪#‎Movember‬ my friend and I’m your barman. My moustache guarantees a conversation about your abusive relationship and my internet data is happily spent looking for groups to help you.

Today I was a good person.

I also learned that sometimes you just have to follow you dreams.

So there I am, on the sofa, enjoying some television when I realise I could be more horizontal and still watching tv in bed, just by walking up a few steps.
I walked up those steps and it’s wonderful.
Follow your dreams, they can come true.

Baby sitting duties came about in November also. Looking after my Godson who has had chicken pox. Sick or not it’s always a pleasure to look after him until nappy change comes about.

The last 30 odd years of going to the toilet, the last 17 years of working in pubs with more than one toilet, I have never seen as much shit as just came out of that kids nappy. And it bloody stinks!

At least once a month I have a karaoke status floating around. November started with this gem

Just completely nailed unchained melody… So, yeah, go me!
Still got it.
Never left me.

October is another favourite month of mine. Mainly because of Halloween, I normally go all out for my costuming and this year was no different.

Then you remember certain things about yourself

Call me maybe just came on the jukebox at work. Not even ashamed to say I’ve still not got bored with it.

October I also admired my parents a little more

Just found out my parents are looking to adopt. At first I took the news with a lot of admiration for my mother and the prospect of having a little sister was a lovely idea…

But then I thought, hang on, I’m 34, since the age of 4 when my first brother came along I have noticed my Christmas present pile getting smaller.
From the age of 8, when my second brother came along, the present pile got smaller still.

Now we are, all three of us, grown up can I possibly suffer another cut of presents every year?

Of course I can mom, good luck.

October also saw some deals being made

Fine you can watch Eastenders but after you will learn the difference between Marvel and D.C.

I hated on myself a little

Well I just made the best smoothie ever, now to buy some woven hemp flares, a hat made of daisies and some fair trade rope and hang my new hippy ass in shame at the “I’ve just made the best smoothie ever” status

But dreams came true

A dream came true today.
After years and years of seeing commercials for steam mops in drunken or sleep deprived vulnerable states at 4am and desperately, for some reason, craving a steam mop, my mother has given me a steam mop.
Happy birthday little brother, I’m glad I came to say it in person, because now I have a steam mop.

September is my birthday month. Turning 34 in 2015 I’m not sure if I’ve grown up or not. I keep trying not to but I ended the year by getting engaged. Still there is some strong evidence that I am actually a man child. 11390050_10152863643196437_2089582324896464770_n.jpg

Dinner time options with the future wife proved that I still haven’t grown up that much

Down to the last two prawns.

“Ok babe we can do this one of two ways…
1) we can be civil and have one prawn each, finishing said portion of prawns.
2) I can eat one now and then we can fight over the last prawn.

What are you gonna choose?”

“You eat that one. Then we FIGHT!” -grabbing a fork and pointing it at me- “you really think you’re gonna get that last one?”

August ended like this

Accidentally got hammered. Whoops…
Alright, that’s some quality 2004 bathroom floor napping. But now it’s time to upgrade to a sofa nap.


Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you aren’t the Terminator or in fact any kind of android and then tell yourself that if you catch yourself acting like a robot then someone else has probably caught you doing it.

August started with cake for my lady11813301_10152995050606437_2750292581724678516_n.jpg










The summer was summed up with one post. There was still a few laughs, karaoke nights and plenty of good memories.
But one post really nails it.

Illegitimi non carborundum

Dear NHS,”I recognise that you’ve given me an eyepatch, but being as it’s a stupid ass patch I have elected to replace it”

Skipping back to march, it was the month of big eating. 11081053_10152720385556437_4722854521992210114_n.jpg10981816_10152720385416437_5156724872565409539_n.jpg

People continually try and keep me serving them drinks at work but in March I had the best response to this…

At 3am the best response to “what you rushing home for”?
“bacon and masturbation so no you can’t have another drink sorry”.

But the night before was a different story

I really don’t wanna have to close… I just nailed ‘let it go’. Like not even joking!

March started by remembering the 1986 movie Labyrinth. Then applying what I remember to my own life.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful hard working barman whose customers always made him stay behind the bar and serve with a headache. And the customers all acted like a spoiled child, and wanted everything to themeselves, and the young barman was practically a slave. But what no one knew is that the king of the goblins really respected the barman, and he had given him certain powers. So one night, when the customers had been particularly cruel to him, he called on the goblins for help!

February, the first status I saw on my timeline shows that I had had just about enough of work.

Being prepared to play Bejewled all day ’cause you’re a fucking top worker 

To be fair, I work very hard all year round. I think the problem on this day was the lack of sleep from the night before due to some local wildlife.

I don’t know what animals are taking part in a 50 shades re-enactment in my back garden but at this point it seems like it’s showing off. Not that I’m jealous that some scrubby local animal has a better sex life than me but I’m about to go throw a shoe up to the shed!

This was also the month that ‘I tried’

Two good nights sleep in a row, no smoking for 24hours and drinking green tea… This is the most heathy I’ve been in years.

I mean, I tried, it lasted about 48hrs.

As for January- The best thing I could find was celebrating the end of 2014 and going to bed.

My favourite thing about last year was getting home, taking my shoes off and going to bed this year.

As I’m now into 2016, after reflecting I have found that I have learnt very little. I’ve made a few decisions, I have grown as a person but I have managed not to grow up completely.
I’ve said goodbye to friends and I’ve welcomed new ones. Some of whom have become new family members.

I’m happy starting a new year, just as happy as I was ending the last year.



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